Writing Without Thinking! by Germaine: Revelations

“I will never cheat on him, if he did that, once twice.. I won’t no matter what T-T” this was the exact words I’ve said to jukie May 11 of last year. i live by this principle,, “ I don’t care If i am cheated for as long as I wont do it…
I remember Jukie confessed to me that he was in love with me last Dec 10, 2006. at that time, me and my ex boyfriend just broke up. And jukie knows it. He knows everything about what happened to us. He’d been a good friend of mine ever since. Every time im depressed he’d been there for me. He’s there to give advices, to comfort me. And everything that a true friend does. I considered him as one of my most precious ones even before. He really thought that I have finally ended between me and my ex because at that time I felt really bad I intend to speak whats on my mind and it was full of anger, pains and heartaches. That’s why I told him that its over between us. So there, that was the start how Jok-jok and menmen became an item. The guild was aware what happened to my personal life. That I just broke up with my my ex because my ex did this and that. All of them knew it. And they’re aware too that jukie likes me so much. And that time that I was single again, they’re all expecting that jukie will court me. They even helped jukie set up a date where we can talk and I told him everything, . it was then…

Dec 10, 2006
We were at the beach . since it was part of the guild’s activity for the month. This was the time that when me and jukie talked in the seashore. It was around 11:30 in evening I guess. While walking, We talked about what just happened to me and and my disappointments and failures on the commitment I was just into. I cried. I really really cried hard. I felt like I was that worst to deserved those pains. It seemed so hard for me to accept what was happening. I was just inlove and I couldn’t explain why it will end up like this. And jukie was there just listening and comforting me. After I have calmed myself, jukie told me. “maine, I am inlove with you and I know you can feel it, I know how your heart had been ripped right now. As a man im telling this infront of you now, offering you my love and all the happiness I could give. And if you want me to do that, will you allow me to be your man? At that time, I was so shocked! I never expected that jukie was really serious when I heard rumors that he likes me. It was all of a sudden. I don’t know what to say, what to react . I mean diba,, as a dalagang pilipina, “ligaw” thingy is very much important. And it was a tradition na before maging kayo, the ligaw factor is important. Kaya ayun,, shocked talaga ako. Though, crush ko si jukieyao the very first time I saw him. But still, it wasn’t enough para maging kami, kasi before I entered into a commitment, I make sure that I am inlove. Then, in no time mag-popropse saken ang lalaking to..oh m g. I was like jukie, come to think what you were saying. I mean, alam mong crush kita but it was just up to there. The next thing he did, he held my hand and said “ it is just a yes or a no”…oh no! super gulo. Ano na gagawin ko. I like jukie. Yeah. But guess it isn’t enough. And then he said.. “ im willing to gamble maine, alam kong hindi ka inlove saken, pero I know if you will allow me to prove to you na mahal kita, I believe eventually u’ll learn to love me… oh no! shocked talaga ako… dunno what to do..I asked God to give me a sign on what am I gonna do next. When I turned my head, I saw an arrow à…it symbolizes the direction of the rest room. And I realized, it means “right“.. I asked jukie,, “are you really sure??” then he said “if I say yes, would it mean a yes too?” I was still confused,, but I smiled at him and said “ yeah”… so there, he kissed my hand and said thank you. So ayun, everything was running well. We always managed to have a happy time together. I was happy with jukie.. and I know eventually, I can love him. And I guess if it wasn’t too early to tell, im beginning to love him at that time. He’s everything that a woman will be grateful to have.

December 21, 2006
Everyrthing was turning fine when unexpectedly me and my ex got the chance to talked,, then again I was confused. He explained to me everything that had happened. And that he still loves me. Confused nanaman ako… grrrrr… well, I asked God for signs nanamn. i invited my ex at home for Christmas Eve and If he’ll say yes and have the courage to face my family.. I’ll give another chance for our relationship, that was my sign. then ayun.. he said yes and hes willing. We started communicating again. We started dating.

December 24, 2006
He celebrated the Christmas eve at home. I introduced him to my family. And it was the beginning of our 2nd chance . And I was really really happy.. but then
Pano na si jukie??? He’d been nice to me all the time. He doesn’t deserved this. he insisted to me that he’ll come over at home and id no choice. I talked to him and tell him everything. I was ready for whatever he’ll tell me. I know I deserved it. Then ayun,,, I never expected again what he said “ I understand maine,, go ahead. Be happy.maybe this isn’t yet the right time for us, but I know someday. Someday maine. But bear in mind that I will still be here for you.” He left. I texted him “ thank you jok. Thank you so much”

After it, things were starting to turn out great. Trials are always there but we were able to surpassed it. But then there were times that even I am commited and supposedly happy to the relationship we’d given 2nd chance. Something’s missing. There were times that I thought this isn’t right. Something is wrong. Yet, I still try hard to do the right though its unfair to both of us’ part..because all he knew I loved him yet I couldn’t let him know whats on my mind during the times when he can sense that somethin’s wrong. I must admit, even I am committed with him, I am still going out with jukie. But we were just merely talking. Nothing more, therefore, I couldn’t tell I cheated. And I know i never did. Then ayun, God knows, we both try to work things out and it lasted for almost a year. Though, there were times that I realized i was not happy anymore, I still tried hard to make things work. because somehow, i know i loved him and there were alot of times that i've been happy with him.

October 13, 2007
I was really confused again. I thought I was very much in love and happy to the commitment we had. But it was so strange, something was wrong with me. And one thing id figure out, I was not happy anymore. I planned to broke up with him. Id have reasons anyway and I guess he’ll understand. But then, we were able to talk and I realized.. yeah, hes right. We still can make it. But then after a week , it was October 20, 2007 when we talked seriously again he told me he was confused too. And he needed a break. He wanted space and enough time to think about things. So I gave him that. And I guess I needed it too.. he left for a-month vacation. We ddnt communicate. Jukie was always there by my side and I told him this time I will take things slowly. We went out together as purely friends. I don’t wanna think about the feelings I have for jukie because I want to be completely heal first before I get myself involved to a commitment again, when jukie tries to open topic about us he understands when I said I am not yet ready to talk about it. I don’t want to be “padalos-dalos” again coz in the end its either may nasaktan ako or ako yung nasaktan. And jukie understands it perfectly. I couldn’t explain yet the real feeling I have for jukie because I used to view things at different side and its gonna be impossible to view it at different side again. I still believe in what I want to believe for so long and not knowing it isnt the reality anymore.

As time passed by, I woke up one morning realizing I’ve been really inlove to the first person who wrote me a beautiful poem. It is only now, I could define the feeling I have for him for quite long. This is what I call, finally falling in love with jukie.

Its only me who really knew JUKIE. And no one has the right to judge him. Some of my friends might have misjudged him but I still believe I made the right decision of loving him. I love him so much though I couldn’t explain why but I know deep in my heart I really do.

I have learned so much about what happened to me in the past. Some may misjudged me too but I am just a human being, who’s entitled of making mistakes and getting hurt. And I am proud, after all I was able to rise after my downfall.. and I am happy.